(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
+50 / +10
In Florida they turn on the furnace and huddle under blankets.
Up North we plant our gardens and load up on sunscreen.
+35 / +2
Californians shiver uncontrollably and head for Red Cross shelters.
Foreign cars don't start.
Up North we're sunbathing by the pool.
+32 / 0
Distilled water freezes.
You can see your breath.
Up North we eat ice cream.
+25 / -4
Texan's egos begin to contract.
Green Bay Packers fans take off T-shirts.
+15 / -10
Dog insists on sleeping under the covers with you.
Mississippi Klan members switch to heavy flannel sheets
and burn crosses for warmth only.
Up North we go skinny-dipping.
0 / -18
You can hear your breath.
Up North we grill brats outside!
15 / -26 -
American cars don't start.
Californians crystalize and shatter.
Up North we think about taking down screens.
-30 / -34
Pilsener beer freezes.
Packers play Tampa Bay Buccaneers at
Lambeau Field. Bucs quit prior to coin toss.
-40 / -40
Georgians disappear.
Up North we put on sweaters.
-50 / -46
Congressional hot air freezes.
Green Bay Packers hold practice indoors.
Up North we close the bathroom window.
-60 / -51
Walruses abandon Alaska.
Up North we finally button the top
button on our flannel shirts.
-70 / -57
Glaciers appear in Central Park.
Up North, we replace diving boards
with hockey nets.
-80 / -62
Edge of Antarctica reaches Louisiana.
Up North we put gloves away, take out mittens.
-173 / -114
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Santa Claus abandons North Pole.
Up North we pull down our earflaps.
-297 / -183
Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere.
Microbial life survives only on Wisconsin cheese.
-454 / -270
Hell freezes over.
Chicago Cubs win world series.
-456 / -271
Politicians put hands in own pockets.
Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-39.
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases.
Up North we mention that it's getting a mite nippy and then throw more wood on the fire.